67. Marriage Quotes About Love and Commitment. 187. I was married by a judge. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; If you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. By all means, marry. Funny Marriage Quotes “I love being married. I need to make this speech quick because my date for the night charges by the hour.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war” – G.K. Chesterton, 17. 183.

9. Enjoy a chuckle with these! For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. Maybe because every day the cow asks you when you’re going to buy it. How many divorces go through in a year, the numbers are in the higher percentile. An element of humor adds spice to a marriage. When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife. Send these to your wife or husband on your anniversary and watch them laugh until they cry. Wrong speech! You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. What do you call two spiders that just got married? I’m pleased to announce that [Bride] and [Groom] are expecting…[pause] … you all to have a good time tonight! The older she gets, the more interested he is in her” – Agatha Christie, 12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. My wife’s not too smart. The groom was not a pretty baby—his mother got morning sickness after he was born. Well, you might wear the pants but I pick them out and we'll let you figure out who's truly in charge here. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

146. Firstly, I would like to say that (insert groom’s name), I’m sure everybody here today believes that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert bride’s name) hand in marriage. Why did the Mormon cross the road? JURASSIC PARK” – Anonymous, 6. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman. Hopefully, your marriage is the fun type where you can share jokes and hilariously witty stuff with one another. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March. “Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Vote below, or share your own funny husband quotes in the comment below. 73. 118.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. '” The young man sadly said, “No—I was knocked out in the semi-finals.”, 175. He’s so talented he can fake all of that. Here Are Safe Ways to Celebrate Halloween 2020, Whoa! You eat dinner, she's there. “When you first get married, they open the car door for you. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes” – Anonymous, 25. 1. I told her I already knew that. Men marry women hoping they will not. A couple were married for 67 years. 140. 163. 114. "Marriage has no guarantees. In case you didn't know,source: marriage ifunny.com/Pinterest. 5. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone. Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there. 169. 179. It’s followed by another basic and primal instinct: the desire to be single again” – Nora Ephron, 15. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Happy anniversary, Source: someecards/Pinterest.

And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped.

By creating an account, you accept the terms and Well, what can I tell you about the groom? When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered, “Darling, I don’t want people to realize we are newlyweds. “Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.” – Anonymous, 39. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” – Lew Schneider, 40. 33. 72.

115. “Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?” —Monica Hesse. 19. 6. Cheers! “Marriage is like a video game.

Marriage takes lots of work, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find the humor in it. Why buy the cow? Actually, it is no secret at all. She still isn’t talking to me. The bride and groom began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together – during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. It's called marriage. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech. 85. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him.

To have sex with a midget I stored in the medicine cabinet, where do you think I’m going? A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. 186. It rings true, that the person you marry is your favorite weirdo. “I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.” – tweet by Jessica Valenti, 36. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!


Then have the Best Man ask for anyone who has keys to the bride’s place, and have only her dad come up. The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage. Here are some funny marriage quotes: [ Read: Ways To Give Birthday Surprise To Wife] 51. — Ann Bancroft, American actress, 25.

— Anonymous, 10. A man placed an ad online saying “Wife wanted.” He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, “You can have mine.”.
“My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate” —Jim Gaffigan, 28. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. 127. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. 1.

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

Before her wedding, a young bride got more and more nervous about the wedding ceremony so she went to see the minister. Relax and have a good time with these top funny husband quotes. I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German writer, 16. “Marriages don’t work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. Did you hear about the two cellphones that got married? 96. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in... 2. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is. Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”. Your wife made a choice to be with you and if you find it funny that she's made a few other choices that you deem not ideal, remember that she chose you too, so joke's on you. 32. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! 168. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes. 4.

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of (Bride) and (Groom) thank‐you very much for the teaspoons. 78. 40. 141. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. Because you love her. There's no need to lie, girls especially act like two completely different people in the same body before and after marriage. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

Now please don’t try to figure out Who is Who.” – Anonymous, 51.

Because our laws protect us from cruel and unusual punishment. Doesn't it though: WTF cookies by topsimages.com. 162. He spotted a dapper young man in a tuxedo and asked, “Are you the groom?

She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.

159. They were perfectly suited for each other. We've Got Tons of Info to Help You Decide, 200 Best Crock Pot Recipes and Easy Slow Cooker Dinner Ideas for the Family. 58. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to steal the covers from for the rest of your life. The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. 189. — Henny Youngman, English-American comedian and musician, 4. Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

"Marriages are made in heaven. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. “Heavens no,” he replied. 129. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. You deserve to celebrate yourself as well for achieving this near-impossible feat.

They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?”“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”. Mar 2, 2018 - Everyone needs a good laugh in their marriage . What’s life without some fun! My full name is actually ‘(Name) would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. 51. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. — Dr. Joyce Brothers, American psychologist, 6.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. — Erma Bombeck, American comedian, 9. There was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”, 134. And you live in a really small apartment with the cow and you can’t avoid that question at all. 50. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. And since that moment I have struggled almost daily with an uneasy sensation, which I can compare only to the first disagreeable feelings which usually precede a fit of sea-sickness. Fast forward to the married life and you're North and he's South. What makes a good wife? After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. What is the penalty for bigamy? When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. Also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are … But for real, why buy the cow?